Wednesday, January 19, 2011

One of those nights

I can't sleep.  My brain just won't shut off.  I don't feel like myself.  In fact, I haven't felt like myself in a while.  I'm in a funk.  Every time I think of all the responsibilities I have (which really aren't that many), I just shut down and stop doing anything and everything.  Then the list of tasks just gets longer and harder and I want to kick myself for shutting down.  I am the Family Readiness Group Leader for my husband's unit.  This is the most frustrating thing ever.  I want to just quit but for some reason, I feel I need to keep doing it for fear it might reflect poorly on Hans.  Of course, he says it won't, but I keep worrying about it.  After the big christmas party I was in charge of putting together, I had a nice break from even thinking about the FRG.  However, it's come time to face it again.  There will be meetings, fundraisers, events, and more meetings coming up in the near future.  I suppose if I didn't have two young children and a life, I could handle it.  Another problem is having to deal with the military.  Don't get me wrong, I love being a wife of a soldier and I appreciate the military very much.  However, I don't always appreciate all the people in the military.  You get all kinds of people to deal with.  It actually makes me appreciate my husband for being sane.  I think this has proven to be the hardest task for me...dealing with certain people through my volunteer position.  Yeah, that's right, it's a volunteer position but yet it's so stressful I feel like poking my eyes out every time I think about dealing with it.  There's my reason one for not being able to sleep these days.

On top of the stresses of FRG, I'm trying to lose weight.  This has always seemed to be a losing battle with me.  I'll be good for awhile, I might even lose up to thirty pounds, but I always gain it back.  I exercise all the time, I just don't watch what I eat.  I don't like the feeling of having to deprive myself of good food.  I live to over indulge I suppose.  I eat too much.  That's my problem.  Portion control.  You would think that since I can identify my problem, I'd be able to fix it.  Well, I can't seem to master my will power.  I have done really well for the last two weeks.  In fact, I lost 12 pounds within those two weeks.  But, I've hit a plateau and I just want to make sure not to give up.  Whenever there is stress in my life, I tend to find food as a comfort.  This FRG stuff is proven to be a real test for me not to give into my habit of grabbing for food during stress.  I would like to devote all my energy into regaining a healthy lifestyle, but with everything else going on, it's hard to focus just on that.  I can't seem to find a balance in life.

When two of my dearest friends moved away from here, it was really difficult.  Things still haven't been the same.  I need someone I can call every day in the morning just to say hello.  Even if we weren't hanging out that day, I would still talk to both of them on the phone at least once a day.  They felt and still feel like sisters to me.  They are there for me no matter what.  I really wish they were here right about now to encourage me or at least be the sound of reason when I go through these torrents of  self-pitty.

Well, I suppose tomorrow is another day.  I did find out some great news today.  My brother Jess and his wife will be coming out in October.  Yeah!  That should be fun.  Ok, enough of my drama.  I hope you all have a better week than me.



Jess and Jen said...

I'm glad that Jess and I could provide you with some good news! I am really excited about going to Europe and getting to see you! Sorry life is stressful right now. Good luck with FRG and weight loss! -Jen

The Duke said...

I'm sorry things are still so stressful. I found that I do the same thing you do when faced with a large task. Whenever a wedding comes our way, I keep putting things off until crunch time and the longer I put it off, the more stressful it becomes. I really struggled with it during Gillian's wedding planning. I couldn't seem to think about it. I couldn't act. I felt befuddled all the time.
One thing Pres. Brown taught me during my time in the Stake RS calling was to make a list down to the simplest act - do it 6 months in advance. Know who will open the sliding curtains before the meeting. Know who will turn on the microphones, know who will be in charge of the tables, food, etc., etc. Write it down. Make assignments and have it down to the last detail. And then you will not have to worry throughout the 6 months. I have rarely applied that to my personal life.
Try doing that. Sit down and make lists - assign and don't do it all yourself. Allow others to step up and help. See if that works.
Love you. Rest well.

Mike and Adrianne said...

Linds, I'm so sorry you are feeling stressed and down. I understand why you would feel pressured to do this FRG thing--I would feel the same way you are. If you don't feel like you can quit then just think about it being over soon. If you have other volunteers to rely on, then you need to delegate as much as you can!

I'm also sorry about the weight loss. I know that losing weight is a challenge and I struggle with it every day. I'm sorry this has been such a hard thing for you.

It also stinks that your friends have moved away.

It just sounds like you are having to deal with a lot right now and I'm really sorry about that.

Hang in there. I love you.

Emily Snow said...

Hang in there. You are not alone in your struggles. And there are lots of people routing for you!

Papa Doc said...

Remember Lindus that you are a great person, and fun to be around. Those gentiles, not matter how gentile, need your great and fun influence. And along the way your values can help them, too. You are a missionary just by being who you are if you are trying to serve and be decent.

I see you have some of my problems. Knowing what works, and what is right about loosing weight is not the only answer. I would sure like to apply Ether 12:27 to my weight!

Dad Clark

Kaitlin said...

If you weren't so many hours ahead of me I would say to call me every morning. I would love to talk to you while I would be getting ready in the morning. If only right? I am here for you if you ever need anything okay? Shoot me an email anytime. I check my email multiple times a day. I would get back to you.

Weight loss has got to be hard. I am lucky that I don't have money to buy foods that I can just binge on. I also love that I enjoy my main source of exercise. Dancing has helped me with that. I really liked what mom said about writing down things like the curtains and microphones, the little details, six months in advance. Try doing that to help with stress. I doodle when I get stressed as well as finding something fun to do. I know a lot of people have turned to exercising when they are stressed. It helps them clear their head so they can refocus. That might help.

I am jealous that I can't go out to Germany to see you guys. Jess and Jen- have fun out there!

I love you Lindsey and if there is anything I can do to help you let me know!


Shumway's in Germany said...

I have felt the same way lately. I really think it is not seeing the sun. I know what you mean about having friends move. I think I am in the same position as you. As for the weight, I really could use some support from some ladies. Are we the same person? I could just say ditto to you post. Except for FRG. Glad I am civilian. Give me a call.

Kat said...

Listen Lady!! I would love a call whenever you need me. I'll be your buddy at the gym on Tuesday and Thursdays. You can help me with my reps!! :0)

Michelle said...

I'm glad you guys get to have some visitors. How nice it will be to see family.

I hope someday we can visit you as well.

I'm sorry things are so harried and stressful. My best advise is to make a bunch of lists and delegate as much as possible.